Words simply cannot express how God moved in my heart last night. I didn't post a blog last night because I was just too consumed in prayer and worship to Him. I almost couldn't believe it! The best part about my encounter with God last night was that it was not mental or emotional, but spiritual. It was from God's Spirit to mine, and it was very real. Learning to not find confirmation of God's presence and love by emotional experiences in our relationship with God has been difficult for me (but I know we all struggle with it), and tonight was the point in my process where I realized how real God can be spirit to spirit, and that God will surely hear those who cry out to Him with all of their hearts. I learned the meaning of sacrificing my flesh at the altar.
I totally didn't expect what I received from God last night. Throughout the day before the night message and altar call at the end, I just had a lot of fun meeting tons of new people from other churches. I even video recorded a testimony of an Indian girl that God touched and set free from Hinduism. I don't have her video uploaded yet, but I promise to post it so that you can hear her amazing testimony! In each session, I learned of the amazing things God is and is going to do in different missions regions of the world. The more I saw how hearts were touched for Jesus and being set free from a separation, a deeper longing and hunger stirred in my spirit to catch His heart that is on fire for us.
Meals with the missionaries were also FANTASTIC. It is so great to hear the hearts of those who are on the missions field (both domestically and abroad) and especially the fruit of their labor, the testimonies. One answer to a question of mine that particularly struck me was from a Chi Alpha campus leader at Stanford University. I asked him the question, "So what is it like witnessing to Stanford University students?"Because in my mind, I thought it might be a tougher campus missons field than others. However, the campus leader's answer was this: "It's a lot more normal than you'd think. They get saved the same way everyone else gets saved, by love." Hence, the title of my blog. I'm learning a lot about how GOD sees His Kingdom vs. how man sees His Kingdom. Many times, we try to build God's Kingdom as we perceive it to be rather than asking God what it truly is. I realized that for the expansion of the Kingdom of God, monetary offerings are not needed. All that is needed for the expansion of His Kingdom is the power of the Holy Spirit working through individual lives in unity with the Spirit. Another thought that God put into my heart was that it's not about giving more money to missions, but to give more of MYSELF TO MISSIONS. By faith, I know and believe that God wants me to give more of myself to missions in a specific way. The way I believe He wants me to give more to missions is by sacrificing my flesh at the altar so that the HOLY SPIRIT HIMSELF, and not I, may intercede through me. I am going to seek out the gift of intercessory prayer so that labor pains may come and give birth to NATIONS. I want to give more of myself to missions by dedicating myself as a vessel for the Holy Spirit to use for intercession. I believe that intercessory prayer is the reproductive organ of His Body and it is very vital to God. I want to know God's heart and be right there with Him in His concerns for His people and in His desires for the multitues of lost souls.
So to the best part of last night, the altar call. The message spoke to me so deeply and rekindled something God had birthed in my heart since I got saved. The speaker was a missionary from Sudan, and what God spoke through him was that our fears are the enemy of our faith. He posed the question, "What would you do for God if you were not afraid?" The Holy Spirit shined His light on my fears that were keeping lost ones from coming to KNOW HIM. I realized--I AM CALLED AND I AM CHOSEN. It's about Him and it's "up to me". Another point that the speaker said was that there perhaps was not enough bloody seed being sown to bear fruit. For we have forgotten that a seed must die in order to bear fruit. GOD IS MY WITNESS- I told Him this all night, "FATHER, I would rather be a martyr that a 'famous Christian'". I saw the need in my heart to die to myself. I thank God that He gave us an opportunity to seek Him at the end, which I did not hesitate to take heed to. I walked straight up to that altar and laid right on my face and prayed in the spirit UNTIL I WAS BROKEN. I was desperate to die, and would not allow myself to leave until I died. The Holy Spirit began to break me and I cried out so hard, "Father, GIVE ME THE HEART OF A SERVANT. GIVE ME THE HEART OF YOUR SON JESUS. I DON'T KNOW YOU." In my struggle I kept praying in tongues seeking that God's Spirit would dominate my flesh. God's love is so great, I love Him so much, I thank God for the Truth of His word that He does not condemn me. After some time at the altar as everyone was seeking God just as desperately as I, I saw a girl sitting next to me in tears as well. A complete stranger, but I asked her to pray with me together until we died and she had the same hunger and desire to not leave until she was dead (spiritually). We did and I thank God that I found someone to cry out to Him with. I felt so free in His glorious freedom and so free in His Spirit. At about 1am, her and I went to the 24 hour prayer room and just prayed and sought God's face with others there. She left after a few hours. I can't believe I prayed from 1am to 5am just rawly worshipping God, crying, dancing and singing to Him. There was a song they played "Set us free, I will sing until I'm free, I will dance until the voices go away, until the break of dawn". It was like it wasn't even me praying but the Holy Spirit through me so that I can serve Him better.
The most beautiful thing God told me last night was that He delighted in my desire. He told me that He was enthralled, and that is what I'm seeking after. I DON'T WANT TO BE GREATER THAN JESUS. JESUS WAS A SERVANT, AND THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO BE. I WANT TO BE HONORED AS HE WAS HONORED, and He was not honored by the praises of men. He was honored in His sacrifices.
I left with such a freedom and seal in it. My heart's desire is to know Him and be a sacrifice at the altar that continually burns.
Praise God for His goodness, and I can't wait until I find more of His heart.
Erin
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